Reflector

Exams have started and I had my first paper yesterday. I honestly feel quite helpless. Yesterday’s paper was sort of ok, but I missed out quite a lot of points. Physical pharm is rather in a mess, and so is ppda. Physio is an mcq paper so I don’t know how it’ll turn out but should be ok I hope.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of trying to do questions for physical pharm until now, and I have one day left to study for it. Now is the time when I have to keep reminding myself that my studies is not my life. It’s one of the things I find it hard to let go and trust God in it. I find it hard to trust God that even if I should not do well in my studies, that things will still be alright. That it’s going to be alright. I just find it hard to let go.

And it’s worse because every exam in university is counted. Like in J1, things weren’t so bad because in JC, I only had to be concerned about the A levels. So even though I didn’t do well enough in J1 to take S papers, I was disappointed but it’s still ok because I didn’t really intend to take a scholarship anyway. But this is different. Everything counts.  

But now is the time to learn to let go. Because I have no confidence in my own abilities. I can’t do anything else to make anything better. It would probably take a miracle for me to do well in this exam. Honestly. Because the pharmers are all so smart, and grading is by the distribution curve. I need to trust God. I need to let go. He is my solid rock. Even though the storm may come, my future is safe in His hands. So what, honestly, so what if I don’t do well in exams? My life isn’t determined or destroyed by academic exams.

My studies is not my life. My studies is not my life. I am not a failure even if I don’t do well in my studies. I am not a failure. God help me.  

It’s really a great feeling to know that I’m growing haha. Even though I still have inhibitions and doubts about some things, but I tell myself now that there are explanations for them, I just have to wait and ask pauline or someone about them when they arise.

Even up til now, I still have thoughts now and then about leaving. In fact, I’ve never wanted to leave a church like this one. Because it’s hard. You can’t be here and be slack. But if I leave, I’ll just stop growing, and I don’t want that. And I’ve to admit that this is really the best church which I’ve been to. And God is so real here.

Fellowship is really very important. I think I wouldn’t have grown very much if I didn’t open up to others. I’m always very encouraged by others, their testimonies, their experiences, their…encouragements. Encouraged by their encouragements hahaha. Like every time I feel like I’m going to fall apart and stuff, well, there’s pauline and krystle and jacqueline etc to help me get back on track. If I don’t stay silent that is. And I normally don’t. And it’s really good to observe and learn, the way they do things and handle people and stuff. And when I build friendships, I know that I can trust them and count on them enough to even share my problems for them to help me.

And I need to remember that studies is not my life. Really, it may seem rather obvious that studying isn’t all there is to life, but honestly right, I really cannot imagine not doing well. It’s like, my grades determine my self-worth. But things should be different now that I have God right? Haha, they should be. I need a revelation. Do you think it works that way? I need to be constantly reminded. I need to know that deep within me, that if I don’t do well in my studies, the world doesn’t end for me. It’s like, pharmacy is so competitive, everyone’s so smart, smarter than me, I need to stop comparing, because I’ll only stress myself. Yep. Oh well.